Baby, I'm All The Rage
Rockstar Uproar tonight! (at Verizon Wireless Amphitheater)

Rockstar Uproar tonight! (at Verizon Wireless Amphitheater)

This is every flower @monte_javier has every given me, finally put into a giant shadow box

This is every flower @monte_javier has every given me, finally put into a giant shadow box

Let me share a story….

This story is about a good friend of mine, her name was Dannyy….

I met Dannyy the summer before our freshman year in high school. I can’t say it was the most pleasant introduction but it was definitely memorable. We had a summer Algebra Review together and since the first day of class she sat in the back with a hoodie and the hood up in the middle of a hot California summer. Now for the first month, I would stare at her during class, debating what her gender was. It was a quiksilver hoodie and she had her hair tucked into her jacket and her face hidden. After I spoke to her finally, I discovered she was in fact a girl. In months to come I found out she had a crush on me. I had no problem with that and we eventually became best friends.

In the beginning of our sophomore year, she tried to take her own life by downing a bottle of pain killers. I didn’t see her for months after that because she was in rehab and therapy.

We drifted apart for the next year because I was so angry with her. She had the nerve to try and leave me. I thought it was selfish, that she could think there was nothing left here for her, that no one cared about here. Yet, here I am, with her everyday and I didn’t even notice her battle.

All the while, I was fighting my own battle against depression, anxiety, and self harm addiction. If there’s one thing she taught me, it was how to seem perfectly fine when you were dead on the inside. 

Junior year we talked off and on. I had a boyfriend that she wasn’t too fond of. He and I had our ups and downs like every relationship does, and me being the sensitive person I am, cried a lot. Dannyy was always very protective over me and threatened to kill the person who made me cry, but here I am, crying over her….

Now on to senior year. We were just friends, no longer the best friends we started out as. We belonged to different groups of friends but all of our friends were friends so we talked sometimes. It was a very silent relationship at this point. I knew what she’d been through and she knew what I’d been through so we kind of just silently consoled each other. By the end of senior year it seemed as though I saw her less and less. Then graduation rolled around, and I didn’t see her at all.

On August 5, 2014, I woke up at 5:00 am, exactly, thinking nothing of it, I tried to go back to sleep but only to wake up every half hour and eventually give up all together. That night after ordering an anniversary present for my boyfriend that she was iffy about, I did my rounds on the different social media sites. Post like “Keeping Dannyy’s family in our prayers” and such kept popping up. So I texted my long time friend of 14 years to ask what was going on. Minutes later I received a call from another friend of 14 years, “Dannyy passed away at 5 this morning…. She was hit by a car on Van Buren Ave.” I was in complete and utter shock. I sat there in silence until Janine finally hung up. What words can be said when your good friend, someone who used to be in love with you. There just are no words. So I sat there and cried for days. I was in denial until the funeral, when I actually saw here in her coffin. An open casket for someone who was hit by a car. It didn’t look much like her. It most definitely wasn’t the Dannyy I remembered.

At the funeral, we found out it was suicide. From then on, I was angry. I was angry with her, the world, and myself. I just couldn’t understand how she could hurt us all so bad. I was mad at the world for making her feel the way she did. And I was mad at myself, I thought I could have done something better. 

All in all, I’ve come to the realization that there is nothing that can be done after the fact. Never wait, seize the day, because at the end of the day, trying to change the past is like trying to catch smoke with your bare hands. 

At this point I still can’t let go…. And time doesn’t heal everything, things just become easier to bare….

Challenge by @31kris now completed! It’s @lralaniz, @kyler_hootchie and @monte_javier turn now! #alsicebucketchallenge

shinymaplesquid:

shinymaplesquid:

I just got a wrong number text from a stranger that said: “hey can we use ur pool there’s a moose in ours”

#welcometocanada

I’ve never received such a funny text in my life I can’t breathe

UPDATE:
I told them “yes if you send a pic” & they sent me tHIS

image

I just want some kind of closure…. I just want to know she’s okay where ever she is, that she’s happy in paradise…. And everyone’s automatic answer is to turn to the church or God for answers…. But I can’t….She was a lesbian and she committed suicide, that double taboo in the Catholic church… How am I supposed to find comfort in that…. According to church teaching, she’s damned…. How can I be okay with this…. How can anyone believe in this kind of a religion…. I can’t do it….. I want to believe she’s in paradise…. I want closure…. I want her to be okay…..

madisonthe1975:

if u think it’s impossible to fall asleep to heavy metal then ur completely wrong

@monte_javier got me an early anniversary present tonight ❤️ he upgraded my promise ring to something even more gorgeous 😍 #myturtleisbetterthanyours

@monte_javier got me an early anniversary present tonight ❤️ he upgraded my promise ring to something even more gorgeous 😍 #myturtleisbetterthanyours

Looking good…. Lookin’ real good…. #dovahkiin #heknowshelooksgood

Looking good…. Lookin’ real good…. #dovahkiin #heknowshelooksgood

It’s so frustrating how the whole world just goes on like nothing happened….. The world lost a perfect soul yet it just continues going….. I don’t know how to move on…. I just know I need to…
She always threatened to kill the person who made me cry, yet this time, it’s her I’m crying over…. It’s not okay….
Suicide… It was suicide…. And people keep asking me how because she was such a happy person….
She taught me many things, one of which was how to pretend to be okay even when the world was falling apart, and that’s exactly how…. Very few say her suffering because she hid it from the world… 
This past week I’ve been trying to justify suicide…. It started with thinking that maybe she’s happy now, but it’s ended with realizing that she cared so much about everyone yet she threw that all away and hurt all of us… She ended her pain yet caused us all a lifetime of grief… I just can’t justify it…. It just doesn’t make sense….
So I’ve found an offset balance…. I keep having to tell myself that she’s free now, that she’s happy…. But then…. I miss her…. She hurt me…. 
The other question that is floating around everyone is “why did she have to go so young….” And I find some comfort in the story of the vet putting the dog down who is dying of old age and the people wonder why dogs live such a short life and the young child comes to the realization that we are all put on this earth to learn out to love and live selflessly, dogs are born with these traits and that is the reason they are gone so soon, humans have to learn these traits as they live and that is why that have such long lives…. Dannyy knew how to love and live selflessly…. That is why she was taken so soon…. 
She was too good for this world…. A perfect soul in a corrupt world….


Now on a side note…. Suicide is never the answer. One ends the possibility of their life ever getting better and they hurt everyone in the process. Dannyy stepped out into oncoming traffic and was hit by a car. Though it was in no way shape or form the drivers fault, simply a wrong place at the wrong time circumstance, that man has to live with the fact that it was his car that hit her. I have to ask anyone that reads this, if you can not accept the fact that suicide is not the answer and the time comes, please, never take anyone down with you like that. Though I have not met the man, I know that he is devastated. Please don’t do that to anyone. It’s just not right to ruin a strangers life like that….

After all that being said…. I am still not yet ready to say goodbye…

It’s so frustrating how the whole world just goes on like nothing happened….. The world lost a perfect soul yet it just continues going….. I don’t know how to move on…. I just know I need to…
She always threatened to kill the person who made me cry, yet this time, it’s her I’m crying over…. It’s not okay….
Suicide… It was suicide…. And people keep asking me how because she was such a happy person….
She taught me many things, one of which was how to pretend to be okay even when the world was falling apart, and that’s exactly how…. Very few say her suffering because she hid it from the world…
This past week I’ve been trying to justify suicide…. It started with thinking that maybe she’s happy now, but it’s ended with realizing that she cared so much about everyone yet she threw that all away and hurt all of us… She ended her pain yet caused us all a lifetime of grief… I just can’t justify it…. It just doesn’t make sense….
So I’ve found an offset balance…. I keep having to tell myself that she’s free now, that she’s happy…. But then…. I miss her…. She hurt me….
The other question that is floating around everyone is “why did she have to go so young….” And I find some comfort in the story of the vet putting the dog down who is dying of old age and the people wonder why dogs live such a short life and the young child comes to the realization that we are all put on this earth to learn out to love and live selflessly, dogs are born with these traits and that is the reason they are gone so soon, humans have to learn these traits as they live and that is why that have such long lives…. Dannyy knew how to love and live selflessly…. That is why she was taken so soon….
She was too good for this world…. A perfect soul in a corrupt world….


Now on a side note…. Suicide is never the answer. One ends the possibility of their life ever getting better and they hurt everyone in the process. Dannyy stepped out into oncoming traffic and was hit by a car. Though it was in no way shape or form the drivers fault, simply a wrong place at the wrong time circumstance, that man has to live with the fact that it was his car that hit her. I have to ask anyone that reads this, if you can not accept the fact that suicide is not the answer and the time comes, please, never take anyone down with you like that. Though I have not met the man, I know that he is devastated. Please don’t do that to anyone. It’s just not right to ruin a strangers life like that….

After all that being said…. I am still not yet ready to say goodbye…